BONUS! Rap-Related Footballers!

Following on from yesterday's exhaustive list of grime-related footballers, here's a quick round-up of footballers who have foolishly (its always foolishly) tried to get involved in rapping:

Clint 'Deuce' Dempsey feat. Big Hawk - Don't Tread

As well as being excellent value for money in fantasy football (2007/2008 season), Clint can also claim to have recorded a nike-sponsored rap single, 'Don't Tread' with deceased Atlanta rap legend Big Hawk.

Aside from the copious Nike references which make it abundantly clear who was signing the cheques this isn't actually that embarassing; Deuce darkens his flow quite nicely, and the beat comes very close to banging. Alright, the content isn't really there, but thats the case with a good 75% of mainstream hip-hop so it would be churlish to castigate Clint for this. Big Hawk murders him on his own shit, mind.

A fairly auspicious start for the footballers, see the really embarassing stuff after the break...


Andy Cole - Outstanding

Apparently this is so bad the video doesn't even exist on youtube. My deeply repressed memories of a traumatic encounter with said video recall Andy stumbling and mumbling his verses from the front seat of a car. This song was actually made in conjunction with DJ Pied Piper and the Unknown MC (aka early UK hip-hop legend Kamanchi Sly), later to bother the charts with their inescapable 'Do You Really Like It?', demonstrating Andy's A&R skills where a few notches above his rapping ones. As if the cliche factor of a beat based on cod-Casio replaying of the Gap Band's 'Outstanding' wasn't high enough Andy actually says 'Can I kick it? Yes I can!' during his first verse.
Best line: 'the son of a miner, funkiest rhymer, always in the news, my crew's the headliners'

Andy Cole break it down!

John Barnes

Repeat offender John Barnes actually took to the mic on two seperate occasions, for Liverpool FC's LL Cool J-spoofing 'Anfield Rap' ('you two scousers are always yappin', I'm gonna show you some serious rappin' ') and then New Order/Keith Allen's 'World In Motion' ('there's only one way to beat them, get round the back'). The fact that I was able to dredge both those lines from my memory indicates Barnesy must have been doing something right, however he loses points for having his rhymes ghost-written by an Aussie who invented the Predator boot (Craig Johnston, Liverpool team-mate, all round entrepeneur and composer of 'The Anfield Rap') and a balding bon viveur Fulham fan (as a New Order fan I'm hoping desperately Keith 'Lily's dad' Allen was responsible for the execrable rap on 'World In Motion').
'The Anfield Rap'

Having watched this again its a bloody banger.
New Order feat. John Barnes - World In Motion

This one, less so. Barnesy was awarded the right to rap this after Chris Waddle and Paul Gascoigne (who along with Peter Beardsley, Steve McMahon & Des Walker were the only players from the Italia '90 squad to show up for the recording) tried to perform it and were unable to be comprehended due to their geordie accents. Fortunately, Gazza was later able to demonstrate his spitting skills with Lindisfarne on 'Fog On the Tyne':


Nigel Reo-Coker, Marlon Harewood & Anton Ferdinand

Appeared on Westwood/Goldfinger. At one point Westwood bigs up Anton's brother Rio's rhyme skills, stating he gets a txt of hot rhymes from Rio nearly everyday (!). To show that the talent is spread equally around the family Anton sings a little acapella (at 11:45), to be fair he holds his own.

Edgar Davids

As if a Wyclef Jean/Brian Harvey collaboration wasn't hallucinogenic enough, Edgar Davids popped up in the video to show off his keep-uppy skills. Professional wanker Dave Courtney also shows up to remove a little bit more authenticity from the least convincing depiction of prison life ever recorded on film. Listening to this video with the volume on anything other than mute is done at your own risk.

Wyclej Jean feat. Brian Harvey - Lovin' You


Quincy Owusu-Abeyie

Cousin of Sway, rumoured (mainly by Sway and Quincy) to be hot on the mic.

David Beckham

Name-checked by Lil Wayne on 'Playing With Fire' from his chart-slaying 'Tha Carter III' set.
'Osh B'Gosh,
Posh Spice husband couldn't kick it like I kick it,
bitch, I kicks it'

Djibril Cisse

Has a myspace music page, but disappointingly it seems to consist of Fatman Scoop shouting over vaguely funky afrobeat and other artist's music. Videos of him dj'ing if you're interested.

Didier 'Drogbacite' Drogba

Apparently raps under the name 'Drogbacite', however a cursory google and youtube search failed to find any evidence of this. Did turn up some rappers from the Ivory Coast's tribute song to him though:
Billy-Billy - Didier Drogba


Peter Crouch

aka 'The Hotstepper'


peace.